And so here it is, 2008. As usual, we’ve asked Mystic Mark to make his predictions based on your star charts, the i-Ching, tea leaves, and examining the back issues of Blam to see what he can get away with. Here it is, your guaranteed future* for the forthcoming year:

 

Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 22) – A mysterious stranger enters your sitting room at 7.19am on March 13th and doesn’t leave for a full twenty minutes. Other than that, a pretty uneventful year, except that you will die of a very painful gastric disease in mid-October. Lucky Number: 47. Lucky Animal: The Echidna.

 

Aquarius (Jan 23 – Feb 22) – The sign of water and of the coming of a new era of peace love and tranquillity. Which is ironic really, as this year you will be captured by some Japanese soldiers who are unaware that WWII has ended and will keep you locked up in a cellar for six months using the water torture method to extract information from you. Don’t worry though – an armistice will be declared in November, and you’ll be back home in time for Xmas. Lucky Number: 115.78. Lucky Animal: The singer of the ANWL.

Pisces (Feb 23 – Mar 22) – Pisceans have a number of fish like qualities, amongst them a very short memory. I said that Pisceans have a number of fish like qualities, amongst them a very short memory. That’s right, a number of fish like qualities, amongst them a very short memory. That’s a very short memory. Pisceans. That’s right, a short memory. (Note to Ed – yes I know we did that joke last year, but you see Pisceans have a number of fish like qualities, amongst them a very short memory.) (Second note to Ed – yes I know that this is exactly the same text we ran last year, even including the note to you, but they’ve got memories like goldfish you see. Very short. That’s the point). Lucky Number: Eleventy six. Lucky Animal: The Tarsier

 

Aries (Mar 23 – April 22) – You are covered in fur and answer to the name Billy. Lucky Zoo: Colchester. Lucky Day: Wednesday 14 September 1689

 

Taurus (April 23 – May 22) – In February you will invent something of no practical use and name it after your grandmother. Villagers will turn against you, and I see a hanging or possibly a burning unless you renounce your devotion to squirrels. A pet or relative called Arthur will catch something this year, possibly influenza but it could be slightly more serious. Lucky fruit: Loganberry. Lucky Fish: Atlantic Spade

 

Gemini (May 23 – June 22)Gemini suffer from their close proximity to God’s own creatures (see below for further details). Your failure to be born seven or eight days later has cursed you to a life of the nearly ran. Lucky Café: Carluccios. Lucky Penknife: Swiss Army

 

Cancer (June 23 – July 22) – Yet another great year for Cancerians everywhere who are lucky enough to share their birthday with some of the greatest individuals of all time. Life looks particularly rosy in a purple patch between January 2nd and December 28th when you will win the lottery, sign several multi platinum record deals and meet Miss World. Lucky Number: You don’t need any more luck, you’re a Cancerian!

 

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) – Careful where you are putting it this year, it might drop off. There’s many a mickle maks a muckle, and the crows flying east at noon will rain on your parade if you don’t throw stones at horses in midstream. You live in a glass house and should buy some curtains. Lucky Room: The toilets at Fenwicks (male). Lucky Name: Steve.

 

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – Famous Virgos include Freddie Mercury, Larry Grayson, Mr Humphreys from Are You Being Served and Peter Tatchell. There’s something that links you to all of them but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Lucky Sharon: Davis. Lucky Telephone Box: St James Road

 

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) – Physically, individuals born under the sign of Libra supposedly tend to have a graceful figure, a charming appearance, a roundish head, a thin nose, refined features, a high forehead, and a ‘trademark’ dimple. You are Kirk Douglas, so one out of seven ain‘t bad. Lucky fruit: kumquat. Lucky pencil: HB

 

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22) – Scorpios have a reputation for gullibility, but you are so, so different from the rest. What is your beloved pet trying to communicate to you? Get the answers you need with a Free Pet Psychic Reading. Call 0898-648-1983. Lucky Plumber: D L Wilson, Rusthall. Lucky Year: 27 BC

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22) – Optimistic and freedom-loving, jovial and good-humoured, honest and straightforward, intellectual and philosophical …. These are all the good traits of a typical Sagittarian. However, my big Boy Book of horoscopes says you can also be blindly optimistic and careless, irresponsible and superficial, tactless and restless. In April you will ask Keira Knightley if she wants to go Bungee jumping with you by shouting “Oi, skinny chops, wanna jump off a bridge?” You forget to attach the rope before pushing her off and spend the rest of the year in prison. Guess which ones you are? Lucky Bicycle: Raleigh Chipper (1977 version only). Lucky Book: Tibetan Book of the Dead

 

  • Please note, we cannot be held responsible for non delivery of any kitchen items predicted, all injuries sustained as a result of fulfilling these predictions at the risk of the user.
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