Shocked, horrified, stunned and just plain old puzzled were some of the reactions this week to the announcement of the Forum’s all new funding programme introduced like a thief in the night last month while no one was looking. Confirming the new proposals, Ian “show me your blood grouping” Carvell said “This new pricing policy of charging the most to people who don’t have much taste and want to see bands most people don’t actually like may not make much economic sense for the punters, but I think people need to take a broader view of this scheme. Obviously some people who don’t have much taste are losing out, and it would be pointless to pretend otherwise, and obviously it will be a terrible shame if they are unable to pay and we have to come round and take their possessions away and perhaps claim their house and make them live on the streets and beg for the scraps off the table of life…………. but let’s try and take a measured approach and compare that with the fantastic benefits to our own pockets. Hang on, not that last bit……”

Explaining the new pricing programme, Tom Riddlemetimbers was at pains to point out the benefits “I know this might seem like we are un-necessarily taxing the pockets of those less well able to look after themselves, what with the obvious mental problems they experience already due to their predilection for Klaus Says Where’s My Record and Tom Williams and his Yacht, but we have , in a very real sense, supported these people for years and years with loads of schemes where Foxy the door bloke would let them in for a bag of crisps and a pickled egg, so now it’s time for the fuckers these highly valued members of our audience to pay their fair share. And everybody else’s fair share too. The proposals brought forward today see those members of our audience who are already struggling to raise the 50p needed to insure them against enjoying themselves asked to pay an additional £748 hearing tax per show. On the other hand, this redistirbution of payments means we are now able to offer an escort service direct from Daddy’s Porsche to the local off licence and then straight to the front of the stage for any patrons whose parents have given them more than £50 for the evening. As you can see, in any funding programme there are winners and losers.”

Speaking from his off shore yacht somewhere near the Costa Blanca, Herr Oberleutnant Marcus von Davyd offered these thoughts: “Speaking as a non dom tax exile whose banking of the vast Forum profits is secretly routed to me through a clever sweat shop trading scheme a bit like Top Trumps, I can only say that this is the best decision ever made in the history of the world and finally sees the burden for paying for everything fall where it should, e.g. on somebody else other than me. I appreciate that many of these people simply don’t have the resources to cover these new bills, but I can today announce that under another new scheme we will be employing a team of highly trained vampires to extract the penalty in blood. Failing that, we’re getting some local stone masons involved.”

LATE BREAKING NEWS!

In a sensational climbdown yesterday, Forum bosses announced that they won’t be changing the door policy after all. “This was the best idea we’ve ever had” said a camp spokesman in a long frock coat with a slightly mad stare “which is why it was so immensely popular. For those reasons, we’ve decided not to go ahead with it. Look into my eyes, directly into my eyes….. you are feeling sleepy…. none of this is happening.”

And you wonder why university students think it would be great larks to have BoJo the Clown as London Mayor……..

Advertisements